


Even if I Lay My Head Down at Night

by joyfulfeather



Category: Stargate Universe
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-20
Updated: 2010-07-20
Packaged: 2017-10-10 16:39:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/101864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joyfulfeather/pseuds/joyfulfeather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chloe's nightmares are back. Friendship!fic, the sharing of pain. Spoilers through Incursion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even if I Lay My Head Down at Night

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Hurt/Comfort Bingo prompt "cages." Title is from Brand New's "You Won't Know," the song from the beginning of "Divided."

Chloe laid in bed, trying to catch her breath. She was shaking – hopefully not hard enough to wake Matt up. She could feel him, a solid weight behind her. Could hear him breathing steadily. She bit her lip. _Stay asleep,_ she thought desperately at him, _just – stay asleep._ He would try to comfort her, if he was awake, and he hadn't _yet_ figured out that saying, "It was just a dream," over and over wouldn't cut it.

It was anything but _just a dream_. It was the kind of nightmare that was more than half memory – memory of the worst experience of her life, all mixed up with her biggest fears. How could he not understand...

She pressed her face into her pillow. _It's not his fault,_ she told herself firmly. _He's different, that's all._ He could brush off a nightmare like that. He was strong.

She wasn't.

She slipped out of bed as soundlessly as she could, trying not to jostle the mattress. Matt slept on, oblivious, while she pulled on her clothes. _Good,_ she thought, glancing at him. _Good._ The resentment she felt shrank a little when she looked at him. He was a good man. She was lucky to have him. He just... wasn't the man she needed right now.

There wasn't anyone in the hallways as she made her way through the ship. No one in the mess hall, either. She suppressed a shudder, remembering the dream. Her footsteps seemed to echo as she walked down another hall. Where was everyone? Sure, it was the middle of the night, but usually –

Someone came around the corner and she nearly leaped out of her skin. The man – one of the scientists, she barely knew him – he raised his eyebrows at her as she began to laugh weakly. "Sorry – sorry, I'm just jumpy," she told him, leaning against the wall. He just shrugged and kept walking.

She pushed off the wall after a moment, shaking her head at herself. _I'm letting my imagination run away with me._ Wasn't that kinda what Matt said about her nightmares? Maybe he was right. Maybe she was being silly – they weren't real, after all. Just products of her own imagination.

She nearly turned back, but she was almost to her destination, and her feet just kept walking. She grimaced as she got closer, a new debate springing to mind. _It's the middle of the night – he's probably asleep, anyway – am I really going to knock on his door for this?_

She reached the door in question and stopped, staring at it.

"Chloe?"

She jumped, turning around. There he was – Dr. Nicholas Rush, standing in the hallway behind her. She blinked wide eyes at him. "I guess you're not asleep."

"No, I'm not." He came closer, concern in his eyes. Concern for her. "What's wrong?"

She'd almost started to feel better as she walked, but now her stomach and shoulders knotted up again. She swallowed, glancing at his door.

He took the hint and opened it. "Come in."

She followed him through the door, feeling... a little weird, realizing what someone would think if they saw her. _It doesn't matter,_ she told herself firmly. It wasn't like their names hadn't been linked before. If someone saw her there, and thought – anything – that was their problem, not hers.

She wrapped her arms around herself, watching him close the door. He turned to her. "So."

It was hard to meet his eyes. Hard to say anything. She shrugged a little, hugging herself. "I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have come in the middle of the night like this, I just..."

"Chloe."

"The nightmares are back."

His reaction wasn't much – just a tightening around the eyes, a little nod. "The same as before?"

"Yeah." She moved then, sinking down onto the edge of his bed. "They'd stopped. After – after we faced them again, the nightmares had _stopped_."

"I know. For me, as well."

"Are – are yours back?"

He looked away. "No." There was a table and chairs by the wall; he sat there, looking down at his hands. If he noticed or cared that she was sitting on his bed, he didn't say anything. "No," he repeated. "I've not had those nightmares since."

She drew her legs up under her. "I don't know if that's good or bad." At his glance, she felt her face go warm. "I just mean – I thought maybe the dreams were a warning, or something. Some kind of leftover link between us and – them."

"It's possible that's what they were, at first." He shrugged a little. "I don't suppose we'll ever know for sure."

"At first," she echoed. "So now –"

"Now I think they're just nightmares." He held up a hand when she started to protest. "I didn't mean 'just.'" His eyes held the compassion no one else seemed to think he was capable of. "I know what dreams like those are. I know what they do to you."

It wasn't just compassion – there was pain there, too. She looked at him steadily for a long moment. He matched her gaze, then sighed and looked down at his hands.

"I am not having _those_ nightmares," he told her softly, "but I have my own share."

"Is that why you were up in the middle of the night?"

"I had work to do," he replied, almost by reflex, and then amended, "but yes. I was avoiding sleep."

"If they're not about – them – what...?" Shaking her head, she backtracked, "Not that you have to tell me, I just..."

He looked down at his hands again, but his gaze was more distant than that. After a long moment, he said, "I was recently a captive again, as you'll recall."

She drew in a quick breath.

"A captive twice over, truth be told." His fingers laced together, gripping tightly. He glanced up at her. "You've used the stones. You know what it's like to be in someone else's body. To be trapped there."

She nodded, her mouth dry. "You were trapped in Colonel Telford's body."

"I was." He gave a humorless laugh. "And my only hope of returning to my own body was..."

"Colonel Young."

"A man who had tried to kill me, or at least be rid of me, before." He lifted a shoulder. "So yes. I was trapped in someone else's body, held captive by the enemy." His eyes met hers. "They did not treat me kindly."

"They tortured you," she breathed, aching for him.

"Tortured, threatened, forced to work for them..." He drew in a breath with difficulty. "It was quite a relief to return to my own body, regardless of the shape it was in."

"God." She swallowed hard and murmured, "It's no wonder you're having nightmares."

After a moment, he cleared his throat. "Yes, well. They will pass." Straightening in his chair, he nodded to her. "As will yours."

"Right." She nodded, feigning pleasant agreement. "And in the meantime, neither of us sleeps?"

He looked thoughtful for a moment. "We could play chess."

Chess wasn't her favorite game, but – the last time they'd met up in the middle of the night, they'd talked about taking over the ship. By comparison, chess sounded great. She lifted a shoulder, smiling a little. "Or cards," she offered.

"Indeed." The smile that ghosted his lips faded. "I don't think your young lieutenant would approve of us making such plans together."

"Matt doesn't get a vote in who my friends are." The words had more heat in them than she'd intended – but once said, she wasn't about to take back even the tone.

Rush blinked, sitting back. "I see." He hesitated. "And is that what we are, Chloe? Friends?"

She blinked back at him. "Well – what else would you call it?"

He studied her for a moment. "I meant no offense," he said finally. "I simply meant that I would not have thought there was a soul on this ship who would call me 'friend.'"

"Oh." She felt herself blush again. She forced herself to meet his eyes anyway, as boldly as she could. "Well. Now you know there's at least one."

A little voice in the back of her mind – the one that sounded like Eli – asked her if she was crazy. Proclaiming friendship with the least trusted man on the ship was a good way to get people to stop trusting _her_. Not the best idea in the world.

_Screw that,_ she told that voice firmly. _They don't get a vote, either. And neither do you._

Rush was looking at her oddly; she couldn't tell if he was amused, touched, both, or what. He cleared his throat. "Thank you, Chloe." His voice was carefully neutral, giving away nothing.

She nodded. "So," she said as casually as she could manage, "chess or ca-cards –" A yawn interrupted the words.

Rush smiled at that. "Perhaps sleep, instead, for tonight. I think you've relaxed a bit."

"Yeah, maybe you're right." The reluctance she felt surprised her. She frowned at him. "Only if you think you can sleep."

"I'll be fine," he assured her. Being him, she couldn't tell if he was being honest.

She slid off the bed. "If it turns out you can't – tonight or any other night – come find me. Whether I'm awake or not."

Now he definitely was amused. "I think it better if we agree to meet in the mess hall, rather than me coming to knock on your door. I would rather not needlessly raise the ire of your lieutenant."

_He'd live,_ she thought, but bit back the words. Rush was right. She nodded. "The mess hall, then." She hesitated. "Well. Good night. And... thank you."

She was at the door when he called her name, making her turn back. She still couldn't read him – which didn't seem fair, since he seemed to be studying her. After a moment, he quietly said, "Thank you."

She nodded back, smiling a little. It didn't seem like there was anything else left to say. She gave him a tiny wave and left, heading back to her room.

The halls were still empty, but somehow they didn't seem as sinister as they had. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Maybe she really would sleep this time.


End file.
